The Watermelon Hunter

I was recently talking with a friend about the possibility of letting go of expectations. Specifically, we noticed our tendencies at times to expect from others the same things we expect from ourselves. While I may be convicted in the way I see the world and in the principles I hold, why should I place that criteria upon someone else? I’m currently reading a book on the history and development of the concept of race and have been most struck by the human need to impose views and beliefs upon others (“I think this is right, so you should, too”). What is the risk in holding your own convictions, acting upon them with confidence, and at the same time letting go of the need for others to agree or be on the same page?

I think there may be a few “risks” involved: the risk of relying fully on yourself to validate your way of being and the risk of your way of being becoming impacted and ultimately changed if you are genuinely open to someone else. This latter risk could be viewed as like a sort of miniature death, a death of the fixed sense of “you.” My belief is that, at the same time, this miniature death, this letting go of my expectations for others and for the world, over and over again, is the way to open up to the beauty and possibility of life. This, to me, is evocative of a core principle of the Bhagavad Gita: to act without attachment to the fruits of your actions.

A story attributed to the Sufi tradition illustrates this concept of letting go:

A stranger walked into a foreign land and saw many people running and screaming in terror away from an open field. As the people ran past, the stranger continued on approaching the source of this terror. The people were shouting, “There’s a monster in the field! Don’t go any further!” But the stranger continued on and ultimately realized that what people were running from was nothing more than a single watermelon. Perplexed and desiring to ease the fear of these people, the stranger picked up the watermelon, broke it apart, took a chunk and ate it. “Look, I have defeated the monster!” said the stranger. Instead of relief, this caused further fear. The people turned on the stranger as an even more terrifying monster and chased him out of town shouting, “He will kill us next!”

Another stranger entered the same town, witnessed the same terror, and made the same realization that the townspeople were running from what appeared to be a harmless watermelon. However, instead of trying to convince them that it was “just a watermelon” or offering to vanquish the monster for them, the stranger listened to them, agreed that it must be dangerous, and went along with them, all the while maintaining his own internal sense of safety in the face of the watermelon. He entered into their homes, sat with them, ate meals with them, and earned their trust. Eventually, through listening and simply spending time together, the stranger more deeply understood the fear of the townspeople and, simultaneously, they began to learn from the stranger not only that these watermelons were not dangerous, but that they could be eaten and cultivated as delicious food.

This story sort of crystallizes the basic essence of what I try to do professionally as a psychotherapist; to let go of myself, of my wishes for the person in front of me to be different than they currently are in any way, and just understand them (even if I instinctively think I know better than them or have an idea of what they should do differently in their life). My belief is that, by genuinely taking this stance, the other person will feel it and will open up in a deeper and more honest way, and may reveal what is really so scary about what appeared to you as a mere “watermelon.” Getting to this deeper level may allow for real human connection as opposed to an adversarial competition, but it may also require letting go of yourself (even if just for a moment).

*Final note: As I write this, I’m realizing that it could sound as though I’m making a request of you the reader to do this, as if this is the “right” way to be, which would belie the whole message, hahah. So, I will finish by emphasizing that I am speaking only for myself, for the way I most deeply want to be, and if it resonates with you, that’s great - it could be something to experiment with and try out for yourself. And if not, that’s also great - I’d love to learn about your perspective.

What type of watermelon hunter are you?