Having "Difficult" Conversations
It can be difficult to communicate how you truly and deeply feel for a variety of reasons. One of those reasons may be that you’re not totally sure how to articulate exactly how you feel, but you know you feel something, and maybe something strongly. When we have these strong feelings, I believe it’s healthy and can be very cathartic to have that something expressed, heard, and understood by someone else - to have your feeling truly seen (and you know if it really feels this way).
This process becomes challenging when it feels unsafe to openly explore your feeling in an interpersonal way; maybe you’re afraid of hurting the other person, maybe you’re afraid of the other person hurting you… maybe it can be crystallized down into the fear of the other’s response in some way. If you ultimately care about this other person, you trust they care about you, and it’s important to you for them to know how you feel (and for you to know how they feel), then it can be helpful to have some tools to employ when things get “difficult.”
I thought I would share a formula from the Nonviolent Communication school of thought. The formula provides a framework for how you can break down your current feeling and communicate it clearly to another person. To my mind, this isn’t a script for you to follow (though you could experiment with it that way), but just a way for you to notice the different elements involved in your communication and, by breaking them down, make the process more manageable and approachable.
Here’s the basic stepwise formula and then I’ll share a bit about each piece:
1) Observations
2) Feelings
3) Needs
4) Requests
1) OBSERVATIONS
The first step in this process is to notice that something feels “off,” “not right,” in your body (notice how you feel this way in the moment, but don’t share this yet) and then to comment as objectively as you can on what’s happening in the current environment. Remember to be as observational and descriptive as you can, like a scientist describing some experimental phenomena, or like you’re describing a scene in a movie.
Example phrasing:
- ”I notice that ____ is happening…”
- “I see ____ …”
- “I’m hearing ____ …”
*Not a reason why this is happening, just what you see happening
2) FEELINGS
Once you’ve shared your observation, now it’s time to share how the current situation is making you feel. This is a vulnerable step. In this step, you are not sharing thoughts, interpretations, or hypotheses - instead, simply express the way you feel right now in relation to what you observe. This could be an emotion (e.g., sad, angry, frustrated, anxious) or even a physical sensation (e.g., heart racing, tense, shaking, holding back tears). An essential part of steps 1 and 2 is that you are only describing your felt experience and are not blaming or criticizing the other person involved, which may disarm them and leave them more open and receptive to your perspective.
Example phrasing:
- “I’m feeling ____ …”
- “In my body, I’m noticing ____ …”
*click here to see a list of feelings to expand your emotional vocabulary
3) NEEDS
Now that you’ve shared your observations and the way you’re feeling, it’s time to express why you’re feeling this way. This step may require some significant reflection in isolation (e.g., journaling, meditation, individual therapy, etc.), so that you can become increasingly clear about your own feelings, needs, and desires. In this step, you are sharing what you deeply value and how whatever is happening right now is in conflict with this value of yours - and this conflict is causing the feeling that you previously described.
Example phrasing:
- “Something I value is ____ …”
- “Something I need is ____ …”
- “____ is really important to me …”
*click here to see a list of “needs” (scroll down below “feelings”)
4) REQUESTS
At this point, you have shared your observation of what’s happening, your in-the-moment raw feeling, and your personal need that is not being met that is causing the feeling. Sharing these three steps may be sufficient, and you can check with the other person along the way to see if they’re hearing and understanding what you’re saying. If not, I think that’s great, because it allows you to get closer to what the misunderstanding is as long as you are both committed to getting to a point of understanding (sometimes that’s not the case, and that’s okay too as long as it’s made clear - otherwise it might feel like banging your head against a wall, hah). You may also, however, want to make a direct request of this person to help them be able to meet your need or acknowledge your deeply held value. If you have a clear awareness of the need of yours that is not being met, you may also be able to brainstorm ways that this other person could help meet your need in a way that is not demanding and not blaming them (I think that part is crucial - it’s ultimately up to the other person if they want to comply with your request, particularly as they have their own set of observations, feelings, and needs).
Example phrasing:
- “Would you be willing to ____ …”
- “Would you be open to ____ next time?”
- “Would you mind if ____ …”
- “It would be my preference to ____. What do you think about that?”
*It can be helpful to make these requests as specific and tangible as possible, to start small, and to gauge if the other person really wants to try them - that way, you can call back to them in future interactions (again, not to blame, but just to see if this is something they’re really willing to do).
I’m constantly working on this personally and professionally and hope that the people in my life know that I want to be as honest and open with them as I can, because I care about and love them, and that I also have a need to be seen by them in all of my weird selfness. I hope you found some of this useful, and you might even try the framework out for positive feelings as a way to practice (I can imagine that would feel really nice as a recipient - “Hey I notice that I’m full of energy right now, that I feel so happy, free, and joyful, and I think it’s because you really make me feel heard, understood, and accepted for who I am. Don’t change anything about what you’re doing!”). Also, if you’d like to apply this framework to a specific situation, feel free to reach out to me in the comments and we can go through it together.
*Below you can see the framework all together in narrative form:
Observations… Feelings… Needs… Requests… (*Repeat as needed)