"Love" is a Waterfall
I recently read a research article in which the authors theorized that the majority of psychological suffering stems from two underlying roots:
1) Feeling helpless
2) Feeling unlovable/unworthy or undeserving of love
The authors tied these roots to the inevitable helplessness we feel as children, when we are totally dependent on our caregivers and community for survival. If our caregivers or societal influences do not respond to this helplessness with "love," we may develop a deep sense of something being wrong with us (i.e., that we do not deserve to be loved). It may be safer to blame ourselves early in life than to blame our caregivers or the larger society for this lack of loving response, because to justifiably blame them would be to realize that the surrounding world (that which we depend on for survival) is unreliable and maybe dangerous. This may lead to the development of a deep internalized sense of shame and brokenness in the individual in order to save the ideal that one’s family and the world are safe, just, and loving.
The article comes from the realm of psychotherapy, and the authors state that it's critical to address this underlying issue in a client-therapist relationship, regardless of whatever the presenting problem may be, in order for the client to make any real "progress" (versus the client continuing to try to change/fix themselves in order to finally become lovable). And they state that, in terms of therapeutic intervention, "feeling respected, cared for, and even loved within the healing relationship can be more important than anything else," and "an unconditional love that helps them feel worthy of love is the most important form of help."
It might sound strange to think of a therapist “loving” their client, but I think that might be due to a view of love as something of limited capacity, as a zero sum resource. We may have learned to view love as something to protect as a commodity and to share with others only in just the right circumstances, only when it feels safe to do so, especially if our helplessness as children was not responded to with love. By learning to question if we are truly worthy of love, it only makes sense that we would question others’ worthiness and maybe even assume on a deep level that others are not worthy of our love and acceptance.
But what if “love” was actually unlimited?
What if every creature, just for being born, just for existing, was equally worthy and deserving of unconditional love?
I’m reminded of a quote from Fred Rogers:
“Love is like infinity:
You can't have more or less infinity,
and you can't compare two things
to see if they're equally infinite.
Infinity just is,
and that's the way I think love is, too.”
I’m additionally reminded of a concept I came across while reading one of my cherished Alan Watts books (I haven’t been able to find where it was that I originally read this, but I think it was within The Book). The concept employs a waterfall as a metaphor for life, for the present moment, and for love, and goes something like this:
Life is a waterfall.
For a variety of reasons,
we may learn
we need to keep the waterfall
for ourselves.
So we grab a bucket
and attempt to catch the waterfall.
We fill the bucket up
and scurry away
to keep the waterfall
for ourselves.
But when we look inside the bucket
we notice that this is not
the waterfall.
This is still water.
We may become frustrated:
”Why can’t I get it right?”
”Other people must be getting it right.”
”What’s wrong with me?”
So we might attempt to
build a new bucket.
We might try
different strategies
or read books
or try to convince ourselves
that we don’t actually want
the waterfall.
But the key may be
that we cannot ever
keep the waterfall
for ourselves.
The only way to experience it
is to just look at it,
or let it run over you,
giving up the attempt
to control it
and to have it
on your own terms.
If we can do that,
we might realize that
this waterfall
is infinite,
and that there is enough
for everyone.
