Be Interested Not Interesting

This is one of my favorite aphorisms to live by: “be interested not interesting.” It has many applications. Interpersonally, we can get caught up in attempts to impress others and relate others’ experiences to our own, but I can say that I’ve felt most connected when I just listen and get the sense that someone else feels seen and understood by me. This can also be particularly useful in arguments. Just for a few moments, give up all effort to exert your point and just try to understand the other person on a deep level, on the level you can relate to (i.e., you might disagree with the content, but I bet you can share in the underlying feeling or desire). If done genuinely, the other person will sense your care and effort to understand and this may shift the whole dynamic from one of combat to one of creative cooperation, even if still painful.

The concept also applies generally to our ability to focus and concentrate. Have you ever noticed that you have little difficulty focusing on things that you are greatly interested in? Practices of attention and curiosity (e.g., through meditation) can help you become genuinely interested in all of the small details of life, those things that might otherwise be seen as annoyances or barriers to happiness, like doing the dishes. Through curious, interested attention, they can be transformed into the source of happiness. Whatever you are doing now or next, you can pay attention to as if it were the first time you ever did this thing, because it really is the first and only time that This particular experience is ever happening. Experience it fully if you want to.